I had a meeting with my brother Mark Myles yesterday. It was our gospel coaching session. Its a pretty casual setting where we basically get into each others life to reveal where we are/aren’t believing the gospel, encouraging and exhorting each other to continue to pursue and grow into our Gospel Identity. Mark is the coach, I’m the coached, but a great deal of the agenda is Mark letting me into his life to see his victories and failures and allowing me to learn from them, just as much as he offers advice, biblical commands etc.
Yesterdays meeting was sober. Not in a bad way – just highly reflective and serious. I confessed my frustration over sin in my life and how I can sense the Holy Spirit calling me to be Holy. The heart of our conversation can be described by saying “I know what I have to do, now only to do it! I just have to believe the truth and do it.”
My frustration has been spilling over into other parts of my life and dampening my normal zeal for other things. Again, I’m not trying to fight the feeling of frustration as much as I’m trying to overcome the source of my frustration, being; a deep desire within me to serve and worship my God with Holy obedience to him through the leading of the Holy Spirit given to me by the atoning work of Christ on the cross–the frustration comes when I can see the obvious examples of where I fail to do that. I’m not fighting the feeling of frustration because I know that a desire to worship and serve God with holiness is a good thing. However that frustration is spilling over into other areas of my life because… I’m an emotional guy. :S
One area of my life that feels dampened by my frustration in particular is my regular time in the morning that I spend digging into God’s words. I haven’t done my usual bible study yet this morning and I’m guessing after this entry I won’t have time to do one this morning before I go to work. But I wanted to make a record of this feeling/frustration so that I can look back at it from the future and remember my frustration and sympathize with my frustrated self in an attempt to have a more well rounded emotional base both in the happy and sad times.
Father. I know you are good. I know you are a holy and merciful king. I’m sad because I’m so aware of my failure to worship you in purity on a day-by-day basis. Fill me up with your Spirit please Lord. teach me how to hear your voice. Please protect my heart from the calluses that I’ve caused when I didn’t listen to your voice, when I didn’t let your words change my heart, when I didn’t pay attention to your promises honor. Thank you for Jesus Christ. Thank your that your Son died for my sins.You have shown that your love is bigger than my big sin. It’s by the atoning forgiveness allowed to me in the giving of your son that I even have the balls to pray a prayer like this God. But I’m thirsty! I want to drink! Make me to lie down by green pastures and lead me to the water. I want my body to exist for your glory. I want to move and breath and think only in a way that worships you. I hate my selfishness and I want it to go away –> it’s my enemy. I am my own enemy.
I trust in you Lord. Your my hope, your my comfort. I am a sinner, but your are a loving King. I am a broken man but your are a perfect. Lead me in your way, Holy God. so that I might worship you with my life, just like your son Jesus Christ. I want to be like him in every way.