You are my sustainance.

Good morning Dad.

I’m writing this prayer because I’ve been having such a hard time staying focused during prayer lately. And I was thinking last night about how little time I’ve spent with you lately. After reading about the earthquakes in Christ Church NZ, I asked myself that daunting question that revisits every now and then; “Where am I going when I die?”

Praise be to you God, my merciful adopter Dad. Thanks for sending your son, otherwise I would be toast. Hell would be a reality for me. But because you have covered my sin by the propitiating sacrifice of your son, I’m confident. I’m confident because my salvation was your move not mine. Your the one that decided I should be covered by your Son’s blood not me. If I had to fight, myself, to get a part of that propitiating covering…  I know I’d be doomed. But when I think about whether or not I’m really saved and then I see Jesus, I’m reminded of the kind of love you have over me and other sinners like me.

But still, as I contemplated our relationship, I still felt uneasy. Thinking about how good you are and how poorly I pursue you… It made me sick. I’ve hardly been in my bible these last few weeks. I’ve hardly been praying at all. There just hasn’t been any urgency, there hasn’t been any feeling of deep longing. WHY? I feel sick asking that question… Because I know it’s not because you changed. You are God. Your goodness is inexhaustible. I’ve spent enough time with you in my lifetime to know that the longer I look to your, the more beauty in you I can see. The longer I spend in you the more I feel like myself. You are the everlasting God! You are the rock. You are unchanging, Dad. So why, how could I have slipped into complacency. It’s not like you’ve changed. I’m sick because I know it must be me.

Dad, I don’t trust myself. I need your forgiveness, and on top of that, I need you to work in my life. It makes no sense that I man can walk with God and not be totally consumed in his goodness. It makes no sense that I would rather watch a movie, go out to eat, play on my iPhone–kill time, rather than spend time with you. What could be more filling, more fun, more real than spending time with you?

I think it’s because, you make me uncomfortable. Every day I get to spend good devoted time with you I start seeing things through your eyes. All your children who are dying under oppression, starvation, slavery etc. I start caring about em, when I hang with you. People in my own town who people have alienated, hated, outcast and ignored. I start caring about em when I’m hanging with you. People in my extended family, the ones I don’t get along with well–they annoy me, or test my patience, or just test my preferences… I start wanting to love them when I hang with you. My wife, my kids… When I spend time devoted to you, my participation in their life grows. I can’t be happy with just being around. When I hang with you I start feeling like helping share my wife’s big load, playing with my kids on a face to face level on the ground.

Dad, when I spend time with you. I forget about myself. I have no worries – but I’m empty handed in the sight of this world. I end up throwing away my time and money.

But when I don’t spend time with you, I remember myself. I try to protect my time and money. I try to protect my reputation. I’m so stupid.

I’m realizing how little I have when I’m the one trying to preserve my stuff.
I’m also realizing how little I have when I’m focused on you.
THinking about your words: Matthew 16:26 What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?

_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_

Anyways. I’m tired of it. I’m sick. I just don’t feel right walking my own way. I HATE SIN! But If I’m not spending time with you, sin finds me like it was just waiting for me to turn my face toward it.

I’ve not spent enough time with you lately Dad, but I’ve spent enough time with you in my life to know that no desire of mine that leads away from you ever actually end up being as good as you. Pride, lust, greed. I’m pretty sure I have a go at all of them daily! But I always regret it. Nothing ever turns out to be as satisfying as you… I’m ashamed that I even consider them.

Anyways. All this just to say I’m sorry. I feel sick…  HUNGRY. Food fills a spot in my stomach but sometimes that’s just a distraction because when I’ve gone without you for days, I feel totally starved and weak. And now Father, I feel so weak that I’m haven a hard time preparing a good solid dose of time with you. I feel like I’m always playing catch up on every other part of my life that’s suffering because I neglected our time together.

Have mercy on my Lord, my Father, my Dad, my saviour. I know you want to. Fill me with strength my God, Holy Spirit, alpha & omega – I know you can. I want to abide in your way all day long. Getting lost in you. Losing myself, seeing others through your eyes,

Thank you for your mercy God. Thank you, that you haven’t ignored me, a weak, sinful, mound of clay. Thank you for being the light that I love that enriches me and leads me on. Praise you Holy God!

And in you son Jesus Christ’s name do I lift up my voice to you.

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